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CHAPTER NINETEEN (continued)
“What got you into trouble?” says the baldhead to t’other chap. “Well, I’d been selling an article to take the tartar off the teeth-and it does take it off, too, and generly the enamel with it-but I staid about one night longer than I ought to, and was just in the act of sliding out when I ran across you on the trail this side of town, and you told me they were coming, and begged me to help you to get off. So I told you I was expecting trouble myself and would scatter with you. That’s the whole yarn-what’s yourn?” “Well, I’d been a-runnin’a little temperance revival thar, ‘bout a week, and was the pet of the women-folks, big and little, for I was makin’ it mighty warm for the rummies, I tell you, and takin’ as much as five or six dollars a night-ten cents a head, children and niggers free-and business a growin’ all the time; when somehow or another a little report got around, last night, that I had a way of puttin’in my time with a private jug, on the sly. A nigger rousted me out this mornin’, and told me the people was getherin’ on the quiet, with their dogs and horses, and they’d be along pretty soon and give me ‘bout half an hour’s start, and then run me down, if they could; and if they got me they’d tar and feather me and ride me on a rail, sure. I didn’t wait for no breakfast-I warn’t hungry.” “Old man,” says the young one, “I reckon we might double-team it together; what do you think?” “I ain’t undisposed. What’s your line-mainly?”
“Jour printer, by trade; do a little in patent medicines; theatre-actor-tragedy, you know; take a turn at mesmerism and phrenology when there’s a chance; teach singing-geography school for a change; sling a lecture, sometimes-oh, I do lots of things-most anything that comes handy, so it ain’t work. What’s your lay?” “I’ve done considerble in the doctoring way in my time. Layin’ on o’ hands is my best holt-for cancer, and paralysis, and sich things; and I k’n tell a fortune pretty good, when I’ve got somebody along to find out the facts for me.
Preachin’s my line, too; and workin’ camp-meetin’s; and missionaryin’ around.” Nobody never said anything for a while; then the young man hove a sigh and says“Alas!” “What’re you alassin’ about?” says the baldhead.
“To think I should have lived to be leading such a life, and be degraded down into such company.” And he begun to wipe the corner of his eye with a rag.
“Dern your skin, ain’t the company good enough for you?” says the baldhead, pretty pert and uppish.
“Yes, it is good enough for me; it’s as good as I deserve; for who fetched me so low, when I was so high? I did myself. I don’t blame you, gentlemen-far from it; I don’t blame anybody. I deserve it all. Let the cold world do its worst; one thing I know-there’s a grave somewhere for me. The world may go on just as it’s always done, and take everything from me-loved ones, property, everything-but it can’t take that. Some day I’ll lie down in it and forget it all, and my poor broken heart will be at rest.” He went on a-wiping. “Drot your pore broken heart,” says the baldhead; “what are you heaving your pore broken heart at us f’r? We hain’t done nothing.” “No, I know you haven’t. I ain’t blaming you, gentlemen. I brought myself down-yes, I did it myself. It’s right I should suffer-perfectly right-I don’t make any moan.” “Brought you down from whar? Whar was you brought down from?” “Ah, you would not believe me; the world never believes-let it pass-‘tis no matter. The secret of my birth-” “The secret of your birth? Do you mean to say-” “Gentlemen,” says the young man, very solemn, “I will reveal it to you, for I feel I may have confidence in you. By rights I am a duke!” Jim’s eyes bugged out when he heard that; and I reckon mine did, too. Then the baldhead says: “No! you can’t mean it?” “Yes. My great-grandfather, eldest son of the Duke of Bridgewater, fled to this country about the end of the last century, to breathe the pure air of freedom; married here, and died, leaving a son, his own father dying about the same time.
The second son of the late duke seized the title and estates-the infant real duke was ignored. I am the lineal descendant of that infant-I am the rightful Duke of Bridgewater; and here am I, forlorn, torn from my high estate, hunted of men, despised by the cold world, ragged, worn, heart-broken, and degraded to the companionship of felons on a raft!” Jim pitied him ever so much, and so did I. We tried to comfort him, but he said it warn’t much use, he couldn’t be much comforted; said if we was a mind to acknowledge him, that would do him more good than most anything else; so we said we would, if he would tell us how. He said we ought to bow, when we spoke to him, and say “Your Grace,” or “My Lord,” or “Your Lordship”and he wouldn’t mind it if we called him plain “Bridgewater,” which he said was a title, anyway, and not a name; and one of us ought to wait on him at dinner, and do any little thing for him he wanted done.
Well, that was all easy, so we done it. All through dinner Jim stood around and waited on him, and says, “Will yo’ Grace have some o’dis, or some o’dat?” and so on, and a body could see it was mighty pleasing to him.
But the old man got pretty silent, by-and-by-didn’t have much to say, and didn’t look pretty comfortable over all that petting that was going on around that duke. He seemed to have something on his mind. So, along in the afternoon, he says: “Looky here, Bilgewater,” he says, “I’m nation sorry for you, but you ain’t the only person that’s had troubles like that.” “No?”
“No, you ain’t. You ain’t the only person that’s ben snaked down wrongfully out’n a high place.” “Alas!” “No, you ain’t the only person that’s had a secret of his birth.” And by jings, he begins to cry.
“Hold! What do you mean?” “Bilgewater, kin I trust you?” says the old man, still sort of sobbing. “To the bitter death!” He took the old man by the hand and squeezed it, and says, “The secret of your being: speak!” “Bilgewater, I am the late Dauphin!” You bet you Jim and me stared, this time. Then the duke says: “You are what?” “Yes, my friend, it is too true-your eyes is lookin’ at this very moment on the pore disappeared Dauphin, Looy the Seventeen, son of Looy the Sixteen and Marry Antonette.” “You! At your age! No! You mean you’re the late Charlemagne; you must be six or seven hundred years old, at the very least.” “Trouble has done it, Bilgewater, trouble has done it; trouble has brung these gray hairs and this premature balditude. Yes, gentlemen, you see before you, in blue jeans and misery, the wanderin’ exiled, trampled-on and sufferin’ rightful King of France.” Well, he cried and took on so, that me and Jim didn’t know hardly what to do, we was so sorry-and so glad and proud we’d got him with us, too. So we set in, like we done before with the duke, and tried to comfort him. But he said it warn’t no use, nothing but to be dead and done with it all could do him any good; though he said it often made him feel easier and better for a while if people treated him according to his rights, and got down on one knee to speak to him, and always called him “Your Majesty,” and waited on him first at meals, and didn’t set down in his presence till he asked them. So Jim and me set to majestying him, and doing this and that and t’other for him, and standing up till he told us we might set down. This done him heaps of good, and so he got cheerful and comfortable. But the duke kind of soured on him, and didn’t look a bit satisfied with the way things was going; still, the king acted real friendly towards him, and said the duke’s great-grandfather and all the other Dukes of Bilgewater was a good deal thought of by his father and was allowed to come to the palace considerable; but the duke staid hurry a good while, till by-and-by the king says: “Like as not we got to be together a blamed long time, on this h-yer raft, Bilgewater, and so what’s the use o’ your bein’ sour? It’ll only make things oncomfortable. It ain’t my fault I warn’t born a duke, it ain’t your fault you warn’t born a king-so what’s the use to worry? Make the best o’ things the way you find ‘em, says I-that’s my motto. This ain’t no bad thing that we’ve struck here-plenty grub and an easy life-come, give us your hand, Duke, and less all be friends.” The duke done it, and Jim and me was pretty glad to see it. It took away all the uncomfortableness, and we felt mighty good over it, because it would a been a miserable business to have any unfriendliness on the raft; for what you want, above all things, on a raft, is for everybody to be satisfied, and feel right and kind towards the others.
It didn’t take me long to make up my mind that these liars warn’t no kings nor dukes, at all, but just lowdown humbugs and frauds. But I never said nothing, never let on; kept it to myself; it’s the best way; then you don’t have no quarrels, and don’t get into no trouble. If they wanted us to call them kings and dukes, I hadn’t no objections, ‘long as it would keep peace in the family; and it warn’t no use to tell Jim, so I didn’t tell him. If I never learnt nothing else out of pap, I learnt that the best way to get along with his kind of people is to let them have their own way.