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PinkMonkey.com Digital Library - PinkMonkey.com Digital Library-Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte


261

I looked on my cherished wishes, yesterday so blooming and
glowing; they lay stark, chill, livid corpses that could never revive.
I looked at my love: that feeling which was my master’s-which he
had created; it shivered in my heart, like a suffering child in a cold
cradle; sickness and anguish had seized it; it could not seek Mr.
Rochester’s arms-it could not derive warmth from his breast. Oh,
never more could it turn to him; for faith was blighted-confidence
destroyed! Mr. Rochester was not to me what he had been; for he
was not what I had thought him. I would not ascribe vice to him; I
would not say he had betrayed me; but the attribute of stainless
truth was gone from his idea, and from his presence I must go: that
I perceived well. When-how-whither, I could not yet discern; but
he himself, I doubted not, would hurry me from Thornfield. Real
affection, it seemed, he could not have for me; it had been only
fitful passion: that was balked; he would want me no more. I
should fear even to cross his path now: my view must be hateful to
him. Oh, how blind had been my eyes! How weak my conduct!

My eyes were covered and closed: eddying darkness seemed to
swim round me, and reflection came in as black and confused a
flow. Self-abandoned, relaxed, and effortless, I seemed to have laid
me down in the dried-up bed of a great river; I heard a flood
loosened in remote mountains, and felt the torrent come: to rise I
had no will, to flee I had no strength. I lay faint, longing to be
dead. One idea only still throbbed life-like within me-a
remembrance of God: it begot an unuttered prayer: these words
went wandering up and down in my rayless mind, as something
that should be whispered, but no energy was found to express
them‘Be not far from me, for trouble is near: there is none to help.’
It was near: and as I had lifted no petition to Heaven to avert it-as
I had neither joined my hands, nor bent my knees, nor moved my
lips-it came: in full heavy swing the torrent poured over me. The
whole consciousness of my life lorn, my love lost, my hope
quenched, my faith death-struck, swayed full and mighty above
me in one sullen mass. That bitter hour cannot be described: in
truth, ‘the waters came into my soul; I sank in deep mire: I felt no
standing: I came into deep waters; the floods overflowed me.’
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PinkMonkey.com Digital Library - PinkMonkey.com Digital Library-Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte



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